One Year Old

Dear Charlotte,

What a year! I feel like we've been through way more than we possibly could have done in one year's time, and like we just left the hospital with you a few short weeks ago...all at the same time.

You've definitely made a spot for yourself in our family in the last year. You and Elizabeth are able to play together now, and it brings your Daddy and me so much joy to watch y'all chase each other or tickle each other and laugh, laugh, laugh. One of your favorite things to do is to fall on Elizabeth's tummy when she's laying on the floor and tickle her. You both think its so funny. I think you're going to be just as strong of a girl as she is. You have no issue holding your ground when she tries to take a toy away from you or make you do something you don't want to. No push-overs in our family!

Your extreme faces are probably one of the things that most characterize you. You're so animated! You can squnch your nose and eyes and mouth up one minute, and then have a huge grin with wide, bright eyes the next, and then be obviously pondering something as you frown the next. Nobody ever wonders how you're feeling.

As for your statistics, you learned to walk at about 10 1/2 months, you're working on cutting your 8th tooth right now, and you are starting to mimic some one syllable sounds now. (Elizabeth has so graciously taught you "noooo!", and you repeat it anytime she says it.)

The thing that has occupied most of our energy this year has been your mysterious health problems. You gain allergic sensitivity to everything we try to feed you. You eczema gets much worse, you get blood in your stools, and you start to loose weight. So, now, even at a year old, you're only on breast milk supplemented with an amino-acid based formula. I've been on a dairy-soy-corn-gluten free diet for the past several months, and you seem to do your best on that, although even that's not enough. We're seeing a pedi GI and a naturopathic doctor to try to sort it all out, but there doesn't seem to be an answer in sight any time soon. Through it all though, I am thankful that we have been able to keep focused on you, the person behind all these medical mysteries and the joy you bring, and not just the medical question marks.

There are so many things you do that warm my heart. You run up and give knee-hugs. You give long, relaxed chest-to-chest hugs. If we ask for kisses, you open your mouth really wide and place it right on top of our mouth. You move over to something that you know is off limits, look us square in the eye for a few seconds, and then walk away laughing saying "noh, noh, noh, noh, noh". You crack us up when you dance, with your knees bouncing and your rear end shaking. You get visibly excited when we start the bath water and do everything you can to lift your tiny leg up and climb into the tub yourself.

You are a joy to me. We've been through a lot together, and I feel a strong connection to you because of it all. Being your Mommy this year has taught me more than ever that there are things in this life that you can't control, and yet, it is possible to have joy in the midst of it all. Joy doesn't always mean smiles and giggles (although we certainly have an abundance of those at our house!), but something deeper. Something more permanent, more holy.

We named you Charlotte Gayle. Charlotte means strong woman, and Gayle means God's joy. I had a profound sense when you were in my tummy, 366 days ago, before we even knew you were a girl, that this was to be your name. Now I see that there couldn't have been anything more fitting. Strong and joy. That's just who you are. And we thank God for sharing the joy that is you with us.

Happy Birthday, Sweet Charlotte!

Love,

Mamma

Secret-Keeper

Today's mail brought with it some of the Christmas presents my husband had ordered for me. Its important to us that the kids participate in the planning and buying and wrapping for others, so the holiday is not just about them getting gifts, so he called Elizabeth into our bedroom to look at the presents...I believe, one of which is "from her".

So as they were coming out of the bedroom, I heard my husband tell her, "Remember Elizabeth, this is a secret. Don't tell Mommy." To which Elizabeth replied, "I won't Daddy...are they all books?"

And then she came out and whispered to me, "Mommy, don't tell anyone your secret!"

Tonight I Sobbed

I just finished nursing Charlotte for what could very well be the last time. I might get into the details of all that in another post, but for right now, I just want to remember. My face is still wet with tears, and my heart aches in a way that I haven't felt in a long time. And since this is likely my last baby, and my last chance to nurse, right now, I just want to write it all down so I can remember.

I want to remember the way she scrunched up her nose and eyes and started fussing for my breast as soon as she sat on my lap. And the way she'd flap her arms impatiently while she waited for me to get ready.

I want to remember the way it felt to have one of her tiny hands on my ribcage and the other on top of my breast as she filled up. And the way she'd sometimes pat me while she nursed.

I want to remember the smell of her sweet, soft hair on my nose and mouth as I kissed her head when she'd sit up and nurse, her whole body curled up in the small space of my torso.

I want to always feel the weight of her body, resting limply in my arms and on my tummy.

I want to remember the way she'd suck and suck until she'd relax enough to *just* fall asleep, and then as the breast would fall out of her limp mouth, she'd frantically latch on again and start sucking...and how she'd do this over and over again, never wanting it to be over.

I get that. I get the feeling that something you love so much, that you find so comforting is being ripped from you. I get the feeling of wanting it to last forever. I get it, dear Charlotte. I'm right there with you tonight.

So tonight I sobbed while you nursed. I tried to explain to you that I love you and I've done my very best and I'm so sorry that its come to this. I tried to explain that I want you to be healthy, and so as much as this hurts me, this is what we have to do. I tried to explain that, tomorrow, when you taste that formula for the first time, its not because I've abandoned you but because I'm doing everything I can to nourish you. I tried to explain, and your big blue eyes locked with mine forever and told me that maybe you understand more than I know.

And that's it. Maybe we'll have another chance to do this again in a few weeks. Maybe not. And I wish I could say that I have a peace about that, that I'm fine with whatever happens. But I'm not there yet. I'm thankful for the nursing time we've had so far, and I'm thankful for modern science that can try to overcome some of nature's problems. But there's still a lot of grieving to be done. I'm angry (with whom? God?) that it was ripped away from us earlier than either of us was ready for. I'm scared about what the future holds for your health. I'm mourning the passing of this era in my own life (am I really old enough to be done nursing my children?)

So many things whirling around in my head and heart. All I know for sure is that I love you desperately. Desperately.

Desperate Times...

See these cute teeth? Well, there are more where they came from and its hard work getting them here!
Sometimes the "approved methods"...you know, like teething rings and wet washcloths...just don't cut it (pun intended).

So then I have to find my own creative ways of getting the job done.

This is my latest and greatest find.

What can I say??? Desperate times call for desperate measures.

8 Months

Charlotte turned 8 months old yesterday, and she continues to grow so fast! She's mastered crawling and pulling up, and even does a bit of cruising here and there. She can pull up on anything - an empty laundry basket, your pant leg, or even the wall - and she's soooo proud of herself when she does.

Her mobility has us in official "redirection mode," constantly keeping an eye out for what big people things (or 3 year old things) that she's found that she shouldn't have. Elizabeth's in on the patrol too, as yesterday she exclaimed "Danger! Danger! Danger! Charlotte's in the bathroom without any company!"

I got permission from the GI doc to start her on fruits, so she now has bananas too. She's still a good eater, although when she's done, she's done, and there's usually very little warning. She'll eat and eat and eat, and then refuse any more. I suppose she's tolerating all her foods alright, but still has outbreaks that look like she's had cows milk (which I'm doing my darnedest to avoid), so I wonder if she's having a sensitivity to another food as well. Its really hard to pinpoint anything.

She has two teeth (the two front bottom ones) and constantly gnaws away at anything she can get in her mouth.

She thinks her big sister is SOOO funny. It warms my heart to see the two of them together. Elizabeth gets downright obnoxious trying to make her laugh. My husband and I find it to be annoying at times, but find it hard to calm Elizabeth when we see how amused Charlotte is by it.

So, all in all, we're still chuggin' along with lots of laughter and smiles, a little stress and a few tears, but lots and lots of joy.

Preachers' Kid

So you know its bad when your three year old is sitting at the dining room table with her dinner in front of her, waiting for the rest of the family to join her, saying over and over again to herself "thanks be to God...thanks be to God."

She apparently has a certain affinity for this phrase lately because I've overheard her saying it several times today. I asked her once "do you need help getting down from the stool", to which she replied "yes". Then I helped her and she said, "*sigh*, thanks be to God."

Not really sure what this is about, but I find it pretty funny. I suppose there are worse things she could learn from us and our vocation.

Great Expectations

Elizabeth has recently learned how to button and unbutton her clothes by herself. Last week, we were in a Mexican restaurant, and she needed to use the restroom so I took her. I stood and watched in amazement as she fiddled with the button on her shorts until it finally released, did her thing on the potty, carefully got herself dressed again and all buttoned up, and washed and dried her hands. All by herself. The only thing she needed me for was to open the heavy door.

Feeling kind of nostalgic, I looked her in the eye and asked, "Elizabeth, why are you growing up so quickly?" To which she replied - in a sort of pastoral care tone of voice - "Mom, I have to grow up so I can be a fire fighter."

Ah, yes, my child. As much as my heart sometimes aches when I'm forced to acknowledge the constant passage of time, you do have to grow up. I suspect that your vocational aspirations will change a hundred times over your lifetime, but regardless of where they settle, you do have great things to be for yourself and for the world. And that necessarily requires you becoming increasingly independent. Increasingly independent from me. I marvel at how, just three short years ago, you and I were one. You needed me for everything. How things have already changed so much.

I was retelling this story yesterday at a pastor's retreat, and one gentleman reminded me that Elizabeth's response was probably very similar to what Jesus' would have been, had Mary asked him the same question. "But Mom, I have to grow up so I can do the important work of God."

Regardless of what's to come, she already doing the work of God. Every day. In bits of wisdom like this, and in so many other ways, she is bringing about the realm of God in this world. And, I, like Mary, ponder these things in my heart.

All In A Day's Work

True story. I promise. Not embellished at all by a proud mama. I promise.

In 24 hours this weekend, Charlotte:

(1) ...finally cut her first tooth. Her bottom middle left one. Now she's found it, and she spends much of her day looking like a lizard, feeling her newest form of entertainment.

(2) ...learned to crawl. She woke up from nap yesterday, and just started doing it. She never went through a stage of army crawling or scooting or anything. She just woke up and started crawling. She's much more peaceful now. It was clear that the inability to get around was causing her much frustration.

(3) This is the one that I'm gonna sound crazy about, but its true. We've started doing her baby signs with her, not really expecting her to do any of them for another month or so. We mostly focus on it at meal times. She has gotten into a habit of letting out this bossy-sounding frustrated squeal when the food isn't coming fast enough, and I've been saying, "no, how do you ask kindly?" And then I say "more, please" while showing her the sign, and then doing it with her hands. Well, Friday night, we were going through this whole scenario, and I said "how do you ask kindly?", and she totally looked me square in the eye and said "Mo." And then she did it after every bite. And she's done it every meal since. Even when we don't switch fast enough during nursing.

This is after her father came home from work and was kissing the girls hello, and she said "hi da da." Its possible that was coincidence. Possible.

But the rest is 100% true.

I promise.

Elizabeth's Travels

Here are a few of the highlights from her trip across the country without her mama. I'm still trying to decide if I was crazy in letting her do such a thing at 3 years of age, or if it means I just have that much confidence in her as a strong, independent young woman... She did great, but I'm starting to miss her so much it almost hurts! Can't wait till she's back safe and sound in our home tomorrow.


She made "play-doh" out of the chocolate icing on her piece of my uncle's 50th birthday cake.

She and Pa hiding in a pool toy together.

Playing with my cousin's guitar.

The highlight of the whole trip..."Mama...I got to drive the plane! But for pretend, not for real..." Brought to you by the nice folks at Southwest Airlines. (And you'll notice he's wearing an Aggie ring...nice Aggies.)

7 Months

Elizabeth has been in Illinois with her Amma and Pa for the past week visiting my grandfather and cousins. The rest of the family has used this time for a mini "stay-cation", so I've been away from the computer. Nevertheless, Charlotte did turn 7 months this weekend, so here's the post, even if a little late.

- She now sits wonderfully without any support indefinitely.
- She can even get herself from her tummy to sitting and back to her tummy.
- She's starting to get mobile, as she persistently utilizes any combination of sit up/move to tummy/roll over a few times/sit up again/reach/move to tummy/reeeaaaccchh to get whatever she wants within a several foot radius. She'll throw in a bear crawl or an army crawl every now and then too.
- No teeth yet, but I swear any day. Her middle bottom gums are swollen, and every week or so she has a run of several days where she's just plain cranky about it.
- She plays really well by herself. Rusty and I were just commenting this morning that we think we probably take that for granted. Elizabeth certainly wasn't that way (I think it probably goes with the territory of being the first child). But Charlotte will sit and play with her toys all by herself for 20 or 30 minutes, depending upon the time of day.
- She's loving her solid foods. I mean loving. She now eats peas, carrots, green beans, sweet potatoes, and squash. I've kind of stalled out on introducing a new food each week because my freezer is full of these foods that she needs to eat up first. I need to call the GI to see if she's allowed to start fruit before we have our next appointment at 8 1/2 months, or if we need to stick with the veggies.
- She's learned how to do this high-pitched squeal/yell that she thinks is so funny but every adult in her life finds highly disturbing. I know it will pass as soon as she finds something new, but for now its her "thing" and we're just trying to live with it without reinforcing it too much. (Plus, I have to admit that as long as it doesn't stick around too long, I actually find it to be kind of cute.)
- She seems to have fallen into a consistent night time sleep/wake pattern, falling asleep by 6:45 or 7:00 and waking at 5:30 or 5:45. I'm not too excited about the 5:45, but it actually works out well for our family's morning routine, and it could be worse. Just her body's natural rhythms, I suppose.
- She's still as sweet as ever! Lots of talking and babbling, with "da da da" being her favorite syllable for now.

Dance Class

I can't believe that she's really old enough to do this, but Elizabeth starts a dance and gymnastics class on Thursday. Its an all-in-one kind of survey course, where they spend the first half hour doing 10-15 minutes each of tap, ballet, and creative movement, and then they spend the last half hour doing gymnastics.

Mostly, my hope for her is that she learns to have control over her body, starts to appreciate music and fine arts, and learns that moving your body and being physically active is a fun thing.

Here she is, modeling her new leotard (with sparkles!) and tights, and her ballet shoes...



...and with her tap shoes. ("Mom! I can make a lot - A LOT! - of noise in these shoes!!")
Let the fun begin.

Scary Monster!

Oh no! What's the scary, scary green monster hiding under Elizabeth's bed???


Peek-a-boo! It's Charlotte!!!

And here's the monster and her partner in crime just happily lovin' on each other before their school day....

"Anything Worth Doing...

...is worth working for." - My Mama

I can't tell you how many times I heard this phrase growing up. When things would get tough, I could always count on my mom to faithfully recite it to me, reminding me that, "if it were easy, anyone could do it" (another one of her phrases).

And I believe these things are true. Not that some "easy" tasks aren't necessary, and therefore should be undertaken with devotion and commitment, but more that things that are difficult shouldn't be cast aside just because they take a little work.

But one facet of this phrase that we never really explored growing up is, is everything that is difficult really worth doing? What about things that consume us, take up an immense amount of time and energy, but - in the end - really aren't that important? And as I grow older and older, and time seems to be more and more in short supply, these are the questions I find myself pondering more and more.

For example, right now, as part of my pastoral appointment, I (ahem) get to preach every Sunday. And I will confess that this post is being written as part of my sermon preparation procrastination ritual. There are times...most every Sunday, to be honest, that I feel that my task is an awesome one (in the literal sense of the word). That, to be able to approach the Scriptures during the week on behalf of the congregation, pray for a word of good news, and deliver it artfully is a task that should not be taken lightly and a task that I am proud and honored to call mine.

But, the path to get there is not always an easy one. In fact, its sometime a burdening one. There's always a sermon to be preparing. Its like laundry or dishes...the task is never finished. As one of my professors jokes, "Sunday comes with amazing regularity". And, often times, during my sermon preparation, I wonder if its really worth it all. I know that the words that come out of my mouth on Sunday mornings are meaningful to at least a few in my congregation...the tell me so. But do they make a difference? In their private lives, in the life of the community...does what I do really matter? Is it really worth doing?

I think this is probably a question that I will revisit time and time again throughout my ministry. Maybe even weekly or daily. And while it causes me some angst, its probably a good question to ask, lest we get in a rut of doing things just because we've always done them.

But, in my case, I'll never be able to fully answer that question. The work of God comes slowly...imperceptibly at times. I have to trust that its being done, even when I can't see it or feel it. But there are little glimpses of hope along the way, like road reflectors that assure you you're still on the right path in the middle of the dark night. And, for right now, I can hang my hat on two things:

(1) I know that ministry is happening through the fact that I take the time to faithfully prepare my sermons. My congregations appreciates the preparation. Its not something they've always had, and it shows them I care about them and our church.

(2) The preparation feeds and forms me. I don't always feel it, but one of the biggest reasons that I got into the ministry is because its awesome to be paid to spend your days caring about people and reading and thinking and writing. If nothing else, I know that the time I put into grappling with the text shapes and molds me.

So, for now, that has to be enough. My work ethic and sense of commitment lead me to work hard at my ministerial tasks, and my prayer is that I will be continue to be wise enough to be able to see that they are worth doing.

And, now, back to getting this sermon on paper...

6 Months!

Didn't I just write the 5 month post, like, last week? Time sure does fly (and now I know I'm really old because only old people talk like that). Charlotte's chuggin' along, doing really well.

In the last month,

- she's successfully weaned the Miracle Blanket, a feat that was much less traumatic than I anticipated.

- she's gotten really really proficient at rolling over purposefully. We can place her on a blanket and, within seconds, she's rolled to the other side of the room. Her most common nickname currently is "roley poley".

- we've confirmed that she's still allergic to cow's milk, due to some hidden milk proteins in her rice cereal that was clearly marked "dairy free". The good news is that it was the milk proteins (which we already knew she was allergic to), and not another allergy.

- we've begun veggies in addition to her rice cereal. So far she's just had carrots, but we're looking forward to some squash this weekend. I made both of the kids' baby food, and I love it! Its such a simple hobby, but a fun way for me to rest my mind for a while and do something good for my kiddos.

- Charlotte charms everyone with her smiles. When she's happy, she's really happy, and she'll share her heart-melting grin with anyone who will eat it up.

- she's learned to talk...well, babble...but its clear she has something to say. She just woke up one morning emphatically saying profound things such as "boo, boo, BAH, bo.." The best part is that she loves to carry on nonsense conversations with us.

- she hasn't quite mastered the art of sitting on her own. (Its a really hard thing to do when your torso makes up a good 4/5 of your whole body, leaving only tiny legs to support it all!) She's working on it though. I suspect it won't be long.

- she hasn't gotten any teeth yet, but the whole teething process is sure giving her a run for her money. Soon enough, sweet girl.

- I'm guessing that her current weight is around 15 lbs., but we'll get an official number at her 6 month doctor's visit on Friday.

I LOVE that grin!

Elizabeth wanted in on the picture taking fun too. Sweet sisters.

Sleeping Beauties

Between Great and Perfect

I had coffee last night with a dear friend. As all women do, I think, when they finally have a few minutes to get away from the grind of daily life and kids and family and housework, we spent much of the evening talking about...our children.

Seems kind of counter-intuitive, but that's what we do with our time "away".

Anyhow, I believe that Charlotte is likely our last child. My husband is pretty set on that, and I think I know in my heart that two children is our family's capacity. But there's that part of a women that always wants another baby. And maybe, for me, its not even so much about wanting another baby, but more about not wanting to close the childbearing chapter in my book of life and move on to the next chapter. Regardless, I've been very mindful of the fact that this could be my last "everything" as Charlotte has grown (too fast!) over the past six months, trying to savor and ponder every moment.

And, even as I'm growing into the reality that we're probably done having children, there's still a part of me that grieves.

But my dear friend told me of a conversation she had recently had with her apparently very wise sister-in-law, who had been struggling with wanting another child for quite a while. She finally came to the realization that we have an idea in our head of what the "perfect family" looks like. And this elusive perfection is something that we can never attain, regardless of how many children or how much money or how much time we have. She confessed that she had spent many years believing that if they could just have that one other child, that their family would be "perfect".

But, then...somehow, her mindset began to shift. Instead of focusing on the unattainable "perfect", she began to be able to see the already-present "great". She began to see that what she already had was wonderful, precious, a blessing...and complete.

The difference between great and perfect is so tiny, but if we spend our time focusing on the perfect that will never be, we miss the great that is right in front of (and in!) us.

This is good stuff. Really good. And I believe with all my heart that when we quit pining for more - the unattainable perfect, but begin to see the great that is already present in life, well, in some paradoxical way, it actually makes this life perfect.

"The Princess Ship"

Elizabeth is just starting to get good at holding and controlling writing instruments. She has learned how to write her name, and she's just started to develop the patience to sit long enough to color an entire picture. Here's her first complete picture, yesterday's masterpiece. She says its called "The Princess Ship." Now, one day, you can say you knew her in her early days when her medium of choice was crayon on typing paper.

Updated to add: The title of this piece is somewhat in dispute, as she refered to it yesterday as "The Fairy Boat."

Unbelievable.

Last night, Charlotte was up 4 or 5 times. About the 3rd time, we realized that she had rolled over onto her tummy - in her Miracle Blanket! Now, we're big lovers of the MB at our house, and we expected to swaddle her much longer, but I when read that tummy swaddling increases the chance of SIDS by 1200%, it was clear that we had to be done with the much-loved Miracle Blanket.

I've been fretting about this, although, surprisingly, not too terribly much, because I had a plan in place. I was braced and prepared for the two or three nights of crying (Charlotte too) because she couldn't soothe herself without the swaddle. I knew it was going to be a long few nights, and I was prepared...but if I'm honest, I was dreading the stress of it all.

Her teachers put her down without it today at school, and she did about as expected. The first nap was frantically awful. She just couldn't figure out what to do with her flailing arms. The next two naps, she finally rolled herself over onto her tummy, and then was asleep within ten minutes. The second of those - the "long" nap of the day, she was awake again within 45 minutes, but after 20 minutes of light fussing (not even crying), she was back asleep for another hour. And tonight? Well, here's a picture of her no more than 5 minutes after I put her down on her back.




Unbelievable. I hope this means good things are ahead.

Cereal Time!

So Charlotte had her first cereal this weekend. I personally wasn't sure she was ready for it (she still can't sit up on her own and the breast milk is seeming to suffice her just fine), but she's 5 1/2 months old, and her GI warned us about starting too late. Seeing as how we've already had allergy issues with her, we didn't want to wait too long. So, this weekend was her big debut! Now begins a whole new world for her, and for us!!

First bite. She didn't take right to it, but she didn't reject it either. It was more like she didn't really know what to do with it. I think I made it too runny, so we'll try to do better next time on that front. (I forgot how it keeps getting runnier the longer it sits...how quickly we forget things from the last baby!)

All and all, a success. I think more ended up on her bib than in her tummy, but hey, it was a first try!

Happy 4th of July Weekend! (A Little Late)

Our July 4th weekend was packed! The girls had the annual "4th of July Parade and Picnic" at their school, I had a final that day in my summer class, we had relatives in from out of town for Elizabeth's 3rd birthday party, regular Sunday service at my church...and, on top of all of that, the matriarch of my church died on Wednesday, so I had a funeral to conduct Friday and Saturday (2 hours away from our home, might I add). But with the help of lots of wonderful family, we pulled it all off and a great time was had by all! Happy 4th, y'all!